If only. . .

A day of thanks has come and gone and, although thankful for many things, there's a somberness as I realize my loss. Gone is the time left to make memories, exchange hugs and share frivolous conversation with the brother I so treasured. While his physical and emotional discomfort has come to an end, my emotions weigh heavy.

It is obvious now how time can create and it can end moments of joy, exhiliration, anguish, ill feelings and abundant egotistical delays in resolution. What I once thought would be reversible can be no longer.

If only...

There is no longer time to resolve issues of the heart once the door to life has slammed shut. The pain you had only thought you were familiar with now has a different significance. The cherished memories are dampened with tears.

If only there'd been more days of laughter reminiscing of valued times and lessons learned.

If only I'd spoken the adoration so tightly held within for reasons I know not now.

If only I'd had photos taken of the siblings I'd so blessedly been given. If only.

The immaturity that forced the love into strained distance now seems only a damnation to something precious.

If only . . .

Prayer and revelation will bring peace as will the thoughts of the many blessings today. At rest will my heart be in the warmth of happier times. For most of all, love does prevail and faith in meeting again brings comfort.

It is not what is said. It is what lay behind the guarded walls. It is in the silence we must heal.

If only...

What are you really worth?

We all have times in our life we feel those we love just don’t “get” us. There was an event that was particularly important we were going to be attending, a project that had taken great effort and expectation, or a relationship had meant far more to you than anyone appreciated. The recognition was totally insufficient.

Those times take us back to root issues. Our need to be appreciated and recognized come to the forefront and our heart feels as if someone took a dagger to it, slicing a chunk out, leaving us to grasp for something, anything, to stop the pain and bleeding. We may have stepped out of our comfort zone to try something out of character and felt extremely vulnerable which made the lack of acknowledgement overwhelming. Not just because our efforts weren’t applauded, but because we had pushed ourselves out there in an attempt to become better, different, more significant, and possibly more like “them”.

The bigger picture here if you’ll step outside of yourself for a few minutes is this. It is not about what anyone else thinks about our efforts and what we have achieved. It is what we think, feel and accept about ourselves that brings the inner peace. They are an easy source of gratification, if you’re lucky, or a source of pain, if that’s what you’re used to receiving. What you have to determine is how long do you want to bank your happiness on others who are banking their happiness on others as well?

Why is their opinion of you better than yours? If you think it is worthy of someone else experiencing it then you have already appreciated your work, your efforts, and the value of your skill and time. So actually the need of someone else to carry the balance of your worth is a bit unnecessary.

If we have listened to our inner voice, our intuition, and followed the path we are to take, the outcome will be as it should be. No need of approval is necessary for you have done as intended and all is as it should be.

Owning our own growth and development of talent, skills and effort is a precious gift we are due. While it is nice to have others appreciate us and our talent, it is our own appreciation and respect that is most precious at the end of the day.

In memory of WALTER CRONKITE

My heart sits firmly at the back of my throat with each news story I see honoring Walter Cronkite. Not only is it reflecting the historical moments Mr. Cronkite brought to our nation, it is a reflection of my childhood years. Baby boomers grew up with Walter Cronkite doing his best to keep structure and rhythm consistent for families.

Initially, it was not an overwhelming shock at the news of his passing. He was 92 years old. However, as the after shock of an earthquake, within the following week the realization of the depth of our loss engulfed me. As an anchor, the term originated on his behalf, Mr. Cronkite portrayed the resilience he wished for the country he so loved. It was not only a loss of an icon, it was another loss of stability we, as a nation, so dearly need.

His warm, yet sturdy voice comforted us in times of tragedy, while keeping us up-to-date on worldwide news. From the Beatles to Watergate, our nation was blessed with a man who had found his strength, purpose and his gift which he shared with us all.

To have such a task of informing a country of news was small in comparison to all he achieved. His participation within many historical moments, such as D-Day, gave us first hand knowledge of the intimate details we would have certainly missed otherwise.

The eras Mr. Cronkite witnessed and shared with the utmost dignity seem endless. It is truly phenomenal one man could engage in so many historical events within one lifetime. I take pause in the knowledge how, in many ways, he was our father, grandfather, teacher and friend. He was not a stranger sitting at a desk in a television studio, but a wise teller of stories seated in our living rooms each evening.

It is with heartfelt gratitude I acknowledge the monumental loss of an anchor we so fervently need in a tumultuous time. Our nation, and our families, lost an honorable soul.

Another Way

The day finally came when one door closed and another opened. It took forever to get here. Plenty told me to move forward. Get a life. Don’t think about marriage anymore. Go off somewhere and stay in a cabin and get my thoughts in order. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME.

It had to be in my time. Not theirs.

Now.

I won’t share how long it took to get here. What I will share is that there are family members presently competing for holding their breath the longest to see if I am sincerely at this fork in the road. I just hope they don’t drop in anticipation.

Impending failure sparked my need for survival and I grasped for a dream I’d put away years ago when life showed no place for such things. Focus was applied to my dream and it grew wings overnight. Before I could get sucked into fear or grow fearless, my dream became a surprising success and my first book was born. A small success though it may have been, it proved I was on the right path.

It was a rebirth of my life light and through the darkest tunnels I was able to move forward. Slow and murky steps followed, often tears shed and there were moments I mourned never marrying again, and may still do so, but the journey is new, exciting and positive.

Many times I have heard when it’s unnerving yet your intuition is beckoning you to move forward, if you can find it within yourself, push toward the dream. I’d had a taste of the dream and it was just enough to make me hunger for more. If this was possible, with nurturing and with intuition calling me further, it was certain to be a success. But there had to be a plan. It had to be calculated to a degree and there could be little variation from it. Everything matters.

While I realize my life will not be a failure if I don’t write “the” book or if I fall short of “the” plan, for me it is important I ACTUALLY HAVE A PLAN. And, I recognize it. It’s not fantasy. It isn’t fiction. And, it doesn’t involve the love of a man. Or, the need to have a man. Unless, of course he’s an agent or an editor.

I have a book to complete, at least one contest to enter, an agent to acquire, and a publisher for the book. By this time, another book will be in the works as well as short stories and book signing schedules, etc.

During all of this there will be chick bonding adventures, spa days and quiet days of reading and resting. There will be exercise and hopefully this will not be fantasy or fictional.

There was a time my focus would have been the time span of that of a buzzing sound of a gnat. No thought could have been placed on dreams, intuition, hope and wonder. My focal point would have been love, marriage and the pleasing of a man.

The pleasing is of me, the sensuousness of my spirit, the energy of my mind and the depth of which I can excel. Levels of intuitive power flow through me and make anything possible if only I am in tune. It would be a sinful waste to miss any of it no matter how great or how small.

Blessings.